Being rejected or feeling rejected? Not quite the same thing

I recently realised something that feels like an obvious truth, but it wasn’t apparent to me until now. As we often discuss rejection and its associated experiences, the lines between the two different types of rejection are blurred, and rarely does anyone distinguish between them, lumping both into the same category. And I don’t believe that’s right for many reasons…

What am I talking about? The difference between “being rejected” and “feeling rejected”. Whilst they both contain the word “rejection” and sometimes they occur together, very often (at least in my case), these two are two totally separate issues.

Being rejected

Someone might reject me, but I won’t feel rejected. It’s a question of what happened and how I see it. Someone’s rejection of me reveals something about that person, what works or doesn’t work for them, but ultimately, it’s not about me. It doesn’t automatically mean I am a bad person, that I have failed, or that I need to fix something and do better. Although sometimes it might… It’s always beneficial to reflect on situations when we are rejected, as it provides an opportunity to learn something about ourselves. In the end, it’s an opportunity to see that we won’t always get what we want, and why is a different question.

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Feeling rejected

This is all on us, nobody else. We feel rejected because something happened – someone did not reply to our messages, ignored our questions, or failed to show up for something important to us. We feel they don’t care, and we often get hooked on our insecurities or our anxious attachment style, which overfloods our emotional system. It might happen in the weirdest and most mundane moments (at least when we look at them from a calm, balanced perspective), but for us, they are honest and important right now. We got hooked on our edges, and now we either react to it or let it be – just letting it settle and reflect on what happened, where it came from, and whether it is even real. Our opportunity to filter out the noise and emotions, and bring back the healthy part of ourselves to figure out what it all means. Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done, and often reacting to the overflood is the default setting we fall back on, until we realise we don’t have to.

So, while there are times when we might have an experience of both, they can actually mean something totally different and come from a different place.

How to deal with being rejected?

Quite simple… you can’t control everything and everyone, so get used to it and let go. When that happens, use it as feedback to see if there is anything for you to learn from the situation (usually there is).

How to deal with feeling rejected?

Stop and ask yourself questions about how and what you feel. What you really hooked yourself on. Is this related to a person or a specific type of relationship? Please don’t ask why at all, don’t try to rationalise your feelings, as it’s not important right now. It will come later, organically, when you understand your state and map it out as a behaviour, and acknowledge that it no longer serves you.