During the hard times with a person next to us, the one we love, we feel committed to, and one that we truly care about, we often learn about our deepest fears, insecurities, and patterns. We wish these things were not there, but they are. It might almost feel like this person next to us is doing it on purpose, triggering the shit out of us, and the truth is, it is only our Self that is tripping and hooking on things that are already there deep inside. The inner small child is shouting for attention. Fears are surfacing and taking control over our minds and mouths. Our past experiences projected on new relationships create tension, but also often a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings everything down. It feels like a circle: we believe something is happening, and instead of focusing on how we can look at it differently, we manifest this projection in reality, just to prove we were right, and that this relationship or this person was exactly what we worried about. We just proved it! That’s experience in many situations, and I’m learning to see beyond the surface and choose to face these challenges. To challenge myself. Many men face the reality where it hits them in their faces over and over again, and realisation comes, “maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s me?”
It’s a beautiful starting point for hard work ahead.
The first step to understanding
It is to understand what our partner really needs and what parts we are waking up in them. It’s still their responsibility to take care of these parts, not ours to fix and maintain. But for this to happen, the sense of security, safety, and trust needs to be established. These are the foundations of the secure base and safe haven that attachment theory emphasizes. Our partner can only work on themselves when they feel that the part awakening within them, creating turmoil in our relationship, can be met with softness, kindness, and understanding. These qualities create a secure base by providing a supportive environment and a safe haven by offering reassurance and comfort when needed. It sounds easy, but it is probably one of the hardest things for men to do: create space with the total trust that everything will be fine. To have faith and be there for this other person, because very likely their challenges are triggering deep-seated fears in us, and we desire our security met first before we attend to someone else. Which then triggers a similar reaction in them… and there you go. All ends in fire, chaos, and resentment.
“A conscious man is the one who’s free of dillusions about what the world is, created by the patterns of his past and fears.”
At the same time, we need to take care of ourselves.
Admit how this person’s behaviour and traumas are firing up things in us that we didn’t even know existed. It’s very easy in that moment to just say “it’s not me, it’s them”, but the truth is always somewhere between. A useful tool in these situations is to take a brief self-empathy pause by asking ourselves, “What am I needing right now?” This simple question can help invite curiosity before defensiveness, allowing us to connect with our own needs and emotions. When we read a message that states facts and feel attacked, or someone says something hurtful, we take it deeply personally and want to end everything (the pain within, technically). This process brings stress, all the bad things surface, and our internal parts take over, giving them voice without realising that, and even more often, regret afterwards of what we have said.
Once everything cools down, we ask ourselves: How did that even happen? I don’t even believe what I said. How could I be so stupid as to even say that? I don’t even remember it… and so on. I’ve been myself quite a few times in these moments, and every time I deeply looked inside, found these parts responsible, I behind them is almost always lurking a fear of rejection, not being accepted for who I truly am, and a little boy comes up to the surface shouting out loud, “you can’t tell me what to do!” Funnily, probably nobody told me in that moment what to do, but yet the hurt part took some messages as attacks, and to feel good about it, it/me counterattacked, then thought we had to change, and that led to a feeling of being forced to change “or else”.
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Getting stuck
If you manage to get through the first part (understanding), you will very likely be after many, many bad experiences. Big chance you’ve reached a point where you are asking yourself, “What is the fucking point?”, yet something is holding you back in your relationship. It might be just this fantasy of what this connection could be, or maybe what it actually is. You may have some dreams attached to it, maybe part of your ego too, because of what you said to yourself or to your friends, and now it all feels like you have doubts and don’t know what to do. Yet there is a part of you stuck, feeling connected. Hoping. Wishing.
“Your growth depends on the weight of challenges you are facing voluntarily on yourself at the given moment.”
It all starts with a question of how much energy and will you have to look into places you don’t want to look. If everything you’ve experienced feels like a challenge already, the repair process and building a deep connection with Self and Them are going to be even harder. If you decide to continue, you are also letting go of part of you that feels stuck and doesn’t serve you. Yet, you still have no idea what that even means or whether it will be successful. The shedding of the skin, like a snake, is a painful process as you expose your real Self to be in truth what you feel and realise how that hurts, but, weirdly, gives you this sense of freedom. It’s very easy to stay stuck in this place where we want to do something new, but we don’t want to let go of something else.
To make this transition smoother, consider taking a micro-commitment challenge. Choose one small, specific pattern in your behaviour that you would like to change this week, such as ‘interrupting’ or ‘stonewalling.’ By focusing on a single, manageable change, you can set a time-bound goal and reinforce the idea that transformation begins with small steps.
Getting unstuck
For me, this moment comes with anger over what is happening. After an intensive time, another challenge, broken communication, I will go deep inside. Meditate and reflect. Meet with my own parts and consciously choose “I don’t want this fucking anymore”, shouting it out loud just to realise that this speaks truth as I’m opening myself to do something different. Whilst in my mind is the goal of fixing this particular challenge the way I want, the reality is that a solution often isn’t what I want, and that’s something I have to accept.
“I carry a plan for myself, but I release the need for outcomes.”
I’m wondering what such a moment looks like to you, when you feel you know this doesn’t serve and you feel broken, knowing what is happening just can’t continue, and it’s either IN or OUT. How does the moment of breaking come to you, and how do you express this helplessness, but also a strong realisation that you can choose what you want and it’s all in your power? To find what is really good for you, because nobody else will.
Being vulnerable and exposing the Self to ourselves
This starts long before we share anything with another person. It begins with the willingness to look honestly at our inner world without judgment. To notice what we feel, even when it’s uncomfortable, contradictory, or doesn’t fit the image we have of ourselves. Vulnerability here means letting go of internal performance and allowing the truth of our experience to be as it is. No fixing. No explaining. Just seeing.
Define what is really important to you and be honest about it
Many conflicts come from not being clear about our own values, needs, and boundaries. If we don’t know what truly matters to us, we can’t communicate it clearly or stand by it when things get hard. This requires radical honesty with ourselves. Not what we should want, but what we actually need to feel safe, respected, and alive in a relationship.
Let go of pleasing or ignoring your needs
Pleasing others or minimising our needs might keep the peace short-term, but it slowly erodes self-respect. Over time, ignored needs turn into resentment, passive aggression, or emotional withdrawal. Letting go of pleasing means allowing yourself to take up space, even when it feels uncomfortable or risky. Your needs are not a burden. They are information.
Validate feelings, even when you feel hurt
Validation does not mean agreement or self-betrayal. It means acknowledging the emotional reality of the moment, both yours and your partner’s. When we feel hurt, our instinct is often to defend or counterattack. Validation asks us to stay present instead. To say, “I see that this is painful for you,” without immediately making it about who is right or wrong.
Writing about your world, unplanned process
Writing can be a powerful way to access parts of ourselves that don’t speak easily in conversation. Unplanned, uncensored writing allows emotions and thoughts to surface without being filtered or shaped for anyone else. It’s not about producing something coherent or beautiful. It’s about creating space for honesty and clarity to emerge.
Meeting your parts and talking to them
Inside us live different parts shaped by past experiences: the protector, the critic, the wounded child, the one that shuts down, the one that lashes out. Instead of fighting or suppressing these parts, we can learn to meet them with curiosity. To ask what they are trying to protect, what they fear, and what they need. This shifts us from being hijacked by reactions to being in a relationship with ourselves.
Bringing the vulnerable narrative into conversations
Rather than leading with blame or accusation, vulnerability invites us to speak from our inner experience. Saying “I feel scared when this happens” instead of “You always do this.” This kind of communication softens defensiveness and creates space for connection. It doesn’t guarantee resolution, but it makes understanding possible.
Don’t wait for something to become an 8/10 issue
Small discomforts matter. Ignoring a 3/10 issue because it feels needy or inconvenient often allows it to grow into something much heavier. Speaking early, gently, and honestly prevents resentment from building. Addressing things when they are still manageable is an act of self-respect and care for the relationship.
Stop the need to defend yourself
Defensiveness is often a sign that we feel unsafe or misunderstood. But constant self-defence blocks curiosity and repair. Letting go doesn’t mean accepting blame for everything. It means staying open enough to listen, reflect, and take responsibility for our part. From that place, growth becomes possible.
Sometimes it won’t be enough
Sometimes things reach a point beyond repair, or you might decide it’s not worth it because it doesn’t align with your values, or your needs will never be met. That’s ok to let go and move on, especially when you’ve tried. You can really admit you did your best and put effort into working on your world and how you are around others, and that just doesn’t feel like it’s working. Whilst I would love to give an example when the time comes, each circumstance is different, and you have to use your own judgment and trust in Self. Sometimes reaching out to a therapist might help you to unravel unhealthy patterns, which might guide your conclusions, but it still has to be your decision.
There is no shame in leaving a relationship that doesn’t serve us. People have different needs, and compatibility might simply be an issue, or one side might just decide not to do any work and not acknowledge their role, because it’s always the responsibility of both sides to face the challenge. One person cannot carry the emotional weight of two people, at least not for long.
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