“Triggered” is outdated. Why saying “I Got Hooked” leads to healing and self-ownership

Triggers: Old wounds reopened

These days, we often hear people say they feel “triggered”, but what does that really mean? According to Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on trauma and addiction, a trigger isn’t just about something annoying happening in the present. It’s more like an old wound getting poked again. In fact, triggers are “wounds that have not yet healed.” When something in the here-and-now sets us off, it’s usually reactivating pain from past hurt. Our reaction tends to be intense and out of proportion because our nervous system is responding as if we’re back in the original trauma (whether that was childhood neglect, abuse, or some profound loss). In short, a trigger feels so big not because of what just happened, but because it’s touching a much older hurt inside us.

You triggered me. How dare you?

I stopped accepting people saying “you triggered me” for quite a while now. I know this is a typical way of framing the shit that happens in us as a result of words or actions done by someone else, but saying it like that, really feels like shifting responsibility onto someone else. Taking accountability for our own shit is the first step in healing and transforming these issues into healthy behaviours or actions.

When we’re ‘triggered’, our nervous system is doing its job – trying to protect us.

The real work is noticing it before it takes over.

Taking it a bit more to the extreme?
The trigger warning before movies, exhibitions, etc. Just making sure people don’t feel randomly offended or triggered by crap they never dealt with. The world, or at least some random people whose motherly protectionist instincts are on overdrive and in hyperspeed, want to label everything that might upset anybody, anytime, just in case. The problem is that in the end it makes things even worse, and trigger warnings do not work as intended. First, when people see a trigger warning, it puts their body in an anxiety state and prepares them for something upsetting (pre-trigger state). Then the second time, when the specific event occurs on the screen (or whatever else we are talking about).

“You triggered me” is nothing less than pretending a person is not in control of their emotions and reactions. It’s an entitlement and expectation from others to walk on eggshells to avoid the explosive charge that might go off without an apparent reason.

Rather than escaping the self, what if I could befriend the self I had been fleeing?

That’s one of the reasons why I now teach and help men recognise these patterns: how they form, what they might be, and the journey of discovering where they truly come from, since they are almost never obvious or easy to see. I help them see cravings as signals rather than irresistible commands, and to understand how those signals point to inner hurt or stress that needs attention.

“I got hooked” on what you said.

The words we use matter. It shapes our thoughts, feelings and expectations. When I say “I got hooked”, it doesn’t involve anybody else. It’s my thing, I noticed what happened, and I want to see what it means to me now. It fired some unexpected reactions, and my first step before moving forward is to see it, feel it and later figure out what happened. Why does a specific thing said by somebody else create heat in my body and make me respond in a certain way?

Every time we use ‘you’ instead of ‘I’, we hand over power.
“You made me angry” means I have no control.
“I feel anger when I hear this” means I’m observing what’s happening in me.

It’s a healthier approach to understanding ourselves and taking full responsibility for our body, mind, heart and soul. I also noticed that it’s easier to say to someone, “Hey, I just got hooked on what’s been said”. Since there is no “you” in the sentence, the other person will be more perceptive and interested in understanding what happened with openness and curiosity, rather than defensiveness that they did something wrong.

I always get a smile when I say it because it’s not often that people raise such a thing in the middle of an intensive conversation. When I’m talking to a very conscious person, we both frequently want to dig into it a little bit more. Go through what’s been said and how it feels for both sides. So many times, this slight change in how I communicate sparked intense and engaging conversations on a new topic, and beyond. It also shows that I’m not afraid to admit when something is uncomfortable for me, but at the moment, I might not know why.

One important thing to remember… Not all conversations allow for such openness and vulnerability, but noticing what happened and returning to it later is a way to handle it on our own, in our own time, and learn something new from the situation.

So, the next time it happens…

Try it yourself and observe your reactions, which will help you to analyse the reasons. Do a little practice and try to remember to:

• Next time you feel heat rising in your chest, pause.
• Say to yourself, “Hmmm…. that’s interesting” (helps to create non-judgmental observations of the situation).
• Think, what part of me just got hooked?
  What were the things that were told that created this unexpected reaction?
• What do YOU feel (name your feelings)
• Was there a specific word, situation, or did it remind you of something?
• It’s OK to take a pause, and if the space is right, just say out loud, “I just got hooked”. If the person you talk to is open, you can share how you felt in the moment and see where that leads you.
• If it’s not the right moment, remember what happened and find some time later to think about it a bit more. Giving it some time to soak in will bring you better insights later.

Our hooks (or triggers if you still prefer this name) aren’t something to avoid, but invitations to know ourselves better.

Ultimately, I invite you to approach your hooks not with judgment or denial, but with curiosity and compassion. These reactions are not signs of you being “crazy”. They’re signs of where our soul is asking for attention. By understanding the link between triggers, trauma, childhood, and the nervous system, we gain a roadmap to respond differently. We can learn to soothe our startled nervous system, tend to our wounded inner child, and gradually restore ourselves to wholeness. In that process, “I got hooked” becomes less an admission of defeat and more a step toward personal freedom, as we unhook from the past and step into healing on our own terms.

Let me know how you deal with your triggers… Sorry, hooks. What is your strategy to resolve them and move forward with confidence and understanding?